I don’t understand.

And I’ve come to a place where I don’t know what to ask for.

I’ve pleaded for peace, for comfort, and for “a sense of Your Presence” so many times that those

words seem almost powerless...

they feel numb...

I pray them in my sleep out of habit.

I’ve prayed for new things,

prayed to have old things back.

I’ve prayed for deliverance,

realizing that if You would just take away this one plague, the other aches and pains of life

would be tolerable.

“If I didn’t have to carry this one load, if I wasn’t nagged and tormented by this constant ache,

I could handle everything else.”

I could handle relational battles, I could handle difficult

decisions, I could handle heartache and pain - were it not for this ever present disease.

Yet,

the moment I let those raw, bare words escape my mouth,

or even the crevices of my mind,

I realize that this burden is Yours.

I know the facts - that You can heal any ailment, that

You can silence any pain.

So I know what must be true - that You allow my wound, that You

choose not to heal it....because, if it were not for this load, I could handle relational battles,

I could handle difficult decisions, I could handle heartache and pain.

“I was given a thorn in my flesh to keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I

begged the LORD to take it away. Each time He said, ‘My grace is sufficient for you. My power

works best in weakness’” (2 Corinthians 12)

“To keep me from becoming proud” Paul said. It’s true, how can I be proud? I’m too busy

being afraid.

It’s as if I’m wearing a ball and chain - locked to my ankle - as soon as I try to fix

something on my own, I’m jerked back to the floor by this metal growth.

I realize

for now

that this thing will not go away.

I hang in the balance of confusion...God can remove the burden - “all who are weary and heavy laden...I will give you rest” - I believe He can,

but I struggle to believe He will.

Am I supposed to believe this? Should I live convinced that He is going to free me from the burden which keeps me humble and helpless and reliant on Him?

And if I do believe,

and He never heals me?

What then?

I know what this is. This is doubt. This is disbelief and I’m sorry.

But I am puzzled even further. I have now reached this place where I no longer ask for peace,

or for comfort, or for a sense of Your presence, because I realize they are not what I need.

I need You.

So I ask for You. “I need nothing else - I don’t even want relief from these struggles. I simply

want You.”

He wants us to seek Him and to know Him. His longing is that I pursue Him, and yet...

He doesn’t seem to show.